Why is your Poop Hard?

Hello Poopers!

Now I have to admit, this topic is far from something I am familiar with.

Frankly, my poop is so regular and so normal, to dig in and do some research made me realize that even though I eat and drink like a disgusting fat slob my diet as it relates to pooping is very good.

First of all, A hard poop is usually related to some form of constipation. Sometimes a poop thats been in your system for more than 48 hours has had all the fluid sucked out of it by the body. Basically it makes your shit hard and dry which is what causes it to get hard and dry – ultimately making it hard to fire out of that anal cannon.

So before we figure out how to make your poop soft again, lets get into what causes constipation:

Not drinking enough water can cause you to get stopped up. Drinking water throughout the day might cause you to piss like a racehorse but it is a big time preventer of having an uncomfortable ride on the porcelain honda.

pissingstatue

Low fiber is another cause of backing up the poop chute. Eating something with whole grains should do the trick. Try an apple – an apple a day keeps the doctor away, not to mention it will help soften up the ass torpedo allowing you to bomb the German SS Kohler warship.

FiberFarts

Certain Medications and supplements will also cause your crap cannon to jam. Read the labels, sometimes you need to take these things so offset the side effects with something that will ease the release of ammo. Painkillers are the biggest culprit in clogging the cannon. Some Antacids, Allergy, Blood pressure, and Antidepressants meds are potential causes.

An under-active Thyroid Gland can cause your ass to jam up. Its called Hypthroidism. Your doctor will check your symptoms out – if your shit is hard or you don’t shit regularly tell them about it.

Believe it or not, Chocolate. One food that looks, melts and in some forms feels like poop can cause an issue in people with chronic constipation or irritable bowel syndrome. A doctor would probably tell you to cut back on chocolate. Me personally I would just tell you to eat apples dipped in chocolate. Kill 2 birds with one stone – you’re welcome.

caddyshack

And just in case you want to see the full clip:

Vitamins in my opinion are a joke, a total waste of money. That said, if you choose to take them let it be known that things like iron and calcium can be the cause of the traffic jam on your hershey highway.

Imagine that? Too much Laxative can cause you to freeze up brown town.

Too much of anything except booze of course (I am joking-I dont want anyone blaming me for their alcoholism), is a bad thing. Eggs, Meat, Cheese and other things that are Low-Fiber/High-fat will slow down your processing. A double burger with double cheese should be topped with some greens and vegetables high in fiber – eat a salad. This should offset the effects.

wimpyburgers

Did you recently have a child? No not that massive shit you dropped during your 10am break. But a real kid that you brewed for 9 months? If you did, there is a chance that your muscles are tired of holding up all that weight you just pushed out of your va-jay-jay and it might take some time for them to recover. This is also due to the pain relievers or anesthetics they give you while you are pushing a watermelon out the size of a lemon hole.

Diabetes, MS, and Parkinsons can all cause you to get stopped up. These are serious and you should talk to your doctor.

Medical issues aside, lets see how we can soften those poops up and make your deuce dropping as enjoyable for you as it is for many others.

High fiber diets: Safe to say if you add 20-35 grams of fiber to your diet every day you can soften those poops up pretty good.

Breads: Not limited to just bread though. Eat some popcorn, bran muffins, whole grain waffles things like that will knock off a big chunk of that 20-35g number early in the day.

Cereal and grains: Start your day with some wheaties, raisin bran, oatmeal, fiber one and things like that – brown rice multi-grain bread and rye bread will do the trick as well!

CharlieSheenWheaties

Vegetables: I fucking love vegetables. My favorites are Broccoli, carrots, green beans, corn, spinach, artichoke and potatoes (but you need to make sure you are eating the skin). I hate Beets, Brussel Sprouts, peas, squash and turnips but they will all aid in greasing up that shit factory we call your intestines.

vegetablespoop

Wanna add fiber and produce a sweet smell only you will enjoy? BEANS BABY! Baked beans, garbanzo, lima, pinto, kidney beans and don’t forget you can eat chili with beans!

Fruits are the easiest because you can pretty much eat most of them anywhere anytime. Avocado, apples (with skin) banana, oranges, most of the berries out there, mangos, prunes. On top of being high in fiber, they will also help the fart factory.

Lets not forget the nuts. Not Deez Nutz but peanuts, pistachios, pecans, sunflower seeds, dates. Add some trail mix to get a combo platter of nuts and dried fruits.

deeznuts

So there you have it. A partial, far from totally accurate overview on why your poop might be hard and how to fix it.

Add your thoughts in the comments below.

Yours Truly,

StinkyTaint