Poop Related Rant

Some of us find poop gross, many of us think it’s funny, others are turned on by it.

I wanted to talk about things that either piss me off about poop and some things that just don’t make sense to me related to poop.

Here are a few things, I would love to hear your thoughts on these topics:

Dog poop: Most of the worlds population is centered around urban and suburban communities. According to the ASPCA 37-47% of all american households have a dog. This means that most would need to walk that dog on public roads/sidewalks. Why wouldn’t you pick up the shit? A guy in his nice suit and fancy loafers stepping in a load of Fido’s post Alpo mess is one of the worst ways to start your day. Shit its one of the worst ways to end your day. Shit happens but for christ sake pick up your god damn dog shit. Not only for the guy dressed in his nicest threads but its not sanitary.

Dog shit is not fertilizer. It burns lawns.

Dog shit contains bacteria. As many as 23 million forms of bacteria. These are things that can cause all sorts of issues like the shits, and kidney disorders in humans.

Dog shit can be a major contributor to bacteria in fresh water.

Pick up your dog shit people – if Fido shits on someones lawn its more than being a good neighbor, its the sanitary thing to do.

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Those of us in the urban/suburban areas know about pigeon problems and the people that add to the pigeon problem. I am pretty sure those disgusting birds that carry all sorts of disease. So ask yourself this? WHY FEED THEM? First of they are a wild fucking animal. If we lived in Alaska its against the law to feed wild animals. Feeding pigeons does nothing to help the pigeon – again they are wild animals and can find their own meals. That cocksucker down the block feeding hundreds of pigeons bread and seed every needs to get punched in the mouth. Not only is he interfering with the natural cycle of life but when 100 birds take flight the 20 cars parked in that immediate area get bombed with pigeon shit. Bird shit is bad for your car. It isn’t because there is “Acid in Bird Shit” but it has something to do with the warming and cooling of the paint. So if your car is in the hot sun and there is a big ass bird turd on the hood of your car, the lacquer in the paint is not heating and cooling in uniform. Actually whats happening is the paint is forming around the bird shit.

Don’t feed the fucking birds. You want a pet bird get a parakeet.

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Baby/Kid shit is one of the worst smells I can think of. When your kid takes a shit it should cause an immediate action. What action you ask? Change the god damn diaper. Just because you are used to the smell does not mean the dozen people around you think its pleasant. Also, I am sure if the kid could talk or change it him/herself they would. No kid/person wants to be sitting around in their own shit. Change your freaking kid man…

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We have put a man on a moon, put a rover on mars, broken the sound barrier, climbed the highest mountains, explored some of the deepest ocean but no muther fucker has come up with toilet paper that is “just right”. Sure you can buy the Kirkland bulk brand from Costco and get paper cuts on your anus. You can buy the soft charmin brand and walk around with dingle berries all fucking day. Where is the in between? For christ sake they make heavy duty paper towels that are soft and absorbent where is the Toilet Paper that can handle my messiest shit without feeling like I am wiping with a brown towel dispenser from that shitty dive bar bathroom. Where is the soft paper that wont make me feel like I have a piece of fleece in my ass crack all day? It is a god damn conspiracy people.

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For those of us here in the Greatest country known as the United States of America, Have you ever been to Europe or the Caribbean? Ever notice we lack some of the better bathroom technology? For example – many of the European influences are common in the Caribbean. Take the shower for example. Most showers in US Homes and Hotels offer a shower head and thats it. You are lucky if the fucking thing has a handle you can remove to power wash your taint. If you want something that does more than that like full body spray you gotta buck up big bucks. Bend over America, getting clean comes with a high price.

Outside the US many places will offer a bidet. Offering you a fresh post shit feeling. Think about it, you just take this massive shit that makes you feel all sorts of relieved, you wipe with garbage toilet paper and then you pull up, zip up and carry on feeling not so fresh. Why is it that we fail to meet the standards the rest of the civilized world provides?

Auto flushing is great and most public restrooms these days have them. I do not mind the auto flusher but what I do mind is when I put down 3-4 ass gaskets and I go to plop down on the seat only to have those ass gaskets swept away before I drop my deuce. Outside the US there are many places that offer the foot flusher. Press down and it provides exhilaration similar to the boost of a turbo engine. You even get a similar boost blow-off as the water gets sucked down the bowl. Shitting standards in the worlds greatest country are far from great.

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We would like to hear some of your rants about shit and bathroom related topics. Send them in to our Contact Us page.

Have a nice clean break!

Yours Truly,

Stinky Taint

 

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